the commercial holiday

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; 

that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.  

And that's what you've given me.  

That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."

my breath catches.

i become unsettlingly aware of my heartbeat,
the humming in my ears,
the tightness in my chest.

i swallow hard in an attempt to dislodge the lump that's crippling my windpipe.
my once misty eyes begin to fill to the brim.
it's as if my body's warning me.
stop fighting.
you can't win.
you won't win.


but I refuse to let my second x-chromosome get the best of me.


"This isn't real,"
I remind myself.
"This never happened."


I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, tune out, and try and logic my way through the wave of emotion.
it's my last act of defiance.
it always is.
but tonight it seems like a marathon swim back to the shores of good sense.

in the blink of an eye, 

quite literally,

i've surrendered to the tide of tears.

my tear-stained cheeks speak volumes more than a white flag ever would.

I've lost.

and lost it.

all to some silly movie.

The Notebook

This is the story of my Friday night fight.

The account of how I tried, time and again, to keep myself from becoming an absolute puddle-bucket over Noah & Allie's star-crossed summer romance.

I'd seen it before,

liked it,

appreciated the sweetness of their story,

and absolutely loved the idea of being so in love.
But I'd never, ever cried.

Call me heartless,
call me cold, callous, pitiless, unfeeling.
a shell of a person if you will.


but,
do understand,
I did not get it.

that is,
'til Friday night came 'round...


"I think our love can do anything we want it to."

I'd fared relatively well up until this point;
masked my sniffles with feigned sneezes,
hid my haphazard breathing patterns behind exaggerated sighs.


But when I heard this line I lost it.
My eyes, once teeming with tears, spilled over,
sending a salty cascade down my nose and cheeks.


Each time I tried to fall back on my reality check I failed.
miserably.
Because every time I tried to tell myself
"This isn't real.
This never happened."
I realized, more fully, that it is real.
it does happen.
it just hasn't happened to us
yet.


That's the key word.
And that realization just about broke my heart
because I can't imagine my life without Parker in it.


He's in every memory of the past.
every experience of the present.
every hope for the future.


It's like he's always been part of my life,
and always will be.
And that's exactly how I want and need it to stay.


"I want all of you, forever.  
you and me. 
every day."


that's what I want.
that's what I'll always want.
and that's why, I think, I cried that night.


As my tears spilled onto Parker's chest,
thoroughly soaking his shirt,
he finally clued in.


"Chels...are you crying?"


"No..."
my uneven tone fully gives me away.  
so much for sticking to one syllable answers.
he always sees right through me.


"Yes you are...you're crying."
he wraps his arms more tightly around me, bringing me closer to him.
"sweetie, why are you crying?"


"Because I get it."


"You...get it."


"Yes, I get it.  
I finally understand what it's like to love someone that much."


silence...


"I think I might love you too much..."


He laughs.


"Oh beeder. No more chick flicks for you. 
You can't handle the drama."


I try to wriggle out of his arms.
This is not comedy hour.
Where's my romantic out-cue?
My line?
I want a line.


And then, as if he's read my thoughts,
he leans in,
kisses me softly on the forehead,
and whispers...


"Sounds like you finally love me as much as I love you."


(and this is why I keep him...)
:)


so, long story short(ish),
I finally got it.


Go Notebook, for helping me fully realize what I thought I knew all along.


Note to self: realizing your happiness is so contingent upon the existence of another person is absolutely overwhelming.
This is likely what it will be like when you have kids...
i pray you can handle it.




And now that I have you all fully convinced we have THE perfect marriage,
I'll refrain from filling you in on our little tiff over Valentine's Day.

(it was a doozy...
but we're good.
we always are.)

Just know, Parker B. is still full of surprises
and I am still head over heels in love with him.

Happy Valentine's Day
2011






In case you're curious about our itinerary,

Nightboarding @ Brighton
two adrenaline junkies + 12° temps = L.O.V.E.

 

a couple's massage


SURPRISE! 
I had not the slightest idea.
I was under the false impression that our "reservation" was for dinner
and that the blindfold was simply an attempt to add an element of mystery and intrigue.
I smiled as he hurriedly assembled a blindfold
(a.k.a. let me hide under a towel and play my iPhone so as to spare my freshly applied make-up) 
and made me promise to keep my eyes closed until we'd walked through the front door.
It took me a second to realize where we were.
It was SO not what I'd expected.
The last thing I ever thought he'd spring for.
And it was perfect.
blissful.
romantic.
and so needed
(as I decided, just this week, that I want to be an athlete again. 
my body's still paying the price).


Thank you sweetie, for being so thoughtful.
such a sweet surprise...



Tack on our cococabana rolls and coconut ice cream at Tsunami,
his & hers Dolce & Gabbana: The One,
and about a million-and-one I love yous,
and there you have it.


our PERFECT Valentine's Day weekend.


Thanks for being my valentine Parker B.
I want all of you,
forever.
you and me.
every day.
and every commercial holiday too.
so happy you're mine.
:)