Monday, December 6, 2010

christmas dreams

"I'm not happy about Santa adding this unicorn."
Dear Santa,

"I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love
even more than I usually do.

And although I know it's a long road back,
I promise you.

I'll be home for Christmas."
Oh isn't it wonderful!

Christmas Eve can't come soon enough for me.

I'm so ready to be on that flight,
feeling footloose and fancy free,
with nothing more to worry about than
loving every moment of being home for the holidays.

It's all I seem to think about these days.

And that's making schoolwork nearly impossible.
absolutely unbearable
and (at this moment) just plain awful.

The semester's stockpile of projects, papers, and portfolios creeps precariously closer to remaining
completely incomplete
every. single. day.

Why do these last two weeks always seem like the train ride to
Giving me a one way ticket to ride the route
that takes me down that never-ending stretch that seems to make the
ol' "no light at the end of the tunnel" adage
unsettlingly applicable.

I'm coming up short at the teller window,
too poor to even hope for a ticket to ride coach.

And while begging's not in my blood,
I'm in so deep I'm kicking my pride to the curb to take a little charity.

But today, even the unhinged hobo head-cases won't let me bum a ride in the boxcar.


Life's tied me down on the tracks of the train headed into the black abyss.
And not even Parker can save me.
Because he's strapped down right by my side.

Will we make it?

I'm not sure I can give you an answer just yet
because the camera's fading to that frame of black that comes just before the commercial break;
its last shot trained on our terrified faces as we lay wide-eyed,
waiting for the fatal impact.

As we exchange one long, last meaningful look
we burst out laughing.
Because it's actually all quite comical.
These shows always are.
And in that moment, we forget all about being tied to those tracks
and just enjoy the moment.

Like tonight...
...when I turned on "The Sing-off"
and watched Parker glue his eyes to the tube for a full hour of a capella acts,
serenading his babe-of-a-wife with a beat-box every commercial break in between.
And he calls choir boys "beedin"...

At the end of the show, when I asked him to cuddle for five minutes more,
his smiling eyes turned serious,
"You know I would babe. I just haven't written a single word of this paper."

"Wow sweetie! What have you been doing all this time?"

(he averts his eyes, helping scooch me over to my side of the couch)

I laugh.

"Beeder, tell the truth!
You've been watching the Sing-off!
And you love it..."

Then I pounce on him.

He concedes to his defeat like a Richfield hillbilly...
"Ok...ees true. Git over here."
...and we agree on a 2-minute cuddle that somehow turns into 10.
Because marriage is all about compromise...

I love little moments like this.
All snuggled up in our bitty apartment,
babbling on in a language not even he can understand,
laughing because I have not the slightest idea what it might mean or why I said it,
then telling him how much he loves me for it.

He tries to deny it
but always breaks just as soon as I beam up at him.

It's sweet to see how much he loves me just by his smile.
It reminds me that, in spite of all the stresses of tests, term papers,
and a to-do list that's a million miles long,
he's happier than he's ever been.

And I am too.

But when that reality bug comes back to bite me
(which is always does),
and not even Parker's there to make it all better,
I have a happy Christmas at home to look forward to.

And on the nights when even that warm, fuzzy thought feels so far away,
I have a mom ready and willing to spread a bit of Christmas cheer.
(who knew a little text or two or the FIFTEEN sprinkled throughout this post could carry so much of that merry Christmas spirit?)
I LOVE our perfectly imperfect REAL Christmas tree.
I love its piny scent!
And the way Dad always picks the bushiest tree.
And Mom has to find a way to make it look nice.
Speaking of nice, Mom, I've been really wonderful this year.
So just a reminder...
you and dad promised I would inherit the sparkling, snow-frosted, crystal Christmas ornaments.
Will you write that into the will?
Thank you...
I LOVE seeing our stockings hang sweetly from our ancient and out-of-tune antique piano
I play carols on each Christmas I come home.
It's the only time of year I ever sit down to play.
I love every minute of it.
I LOVE that I'll still help Haley count and sort the presents under the tree.
I still think it's fun,
even if it's not an entirely age-appropriate activity.
It helps us bond :)
I LOVE this oven mitt you made Mom.
It reminds me of all the toffee and moose munch waiting for me at home,
how chubby it'll make me,
and how worth it every bite will be.
Yum :)
(Plus it reminds me just how crafty you are...
how you'll try to teach me your tricks...
and how I'll just end up giving up and let you do it all for me.
It always looks better when I do.)
I love how all these ornaments say "Mom's Favorite."
You so would buy these...
I LOVE seeing the table all ready and set for Christmas.
I'm just a little sad we won't have Christmas dinner here...
but not enough to outweigh my excitement over our cabin Christmas in Tahoe.
I can't even wait!
I LOVE that our little Molly gets to come to the cabin too!
I laughed so hard when you sent me this.
It's SO Molly.
(and so like you to throw a scarf on her for my amusement).
When you sent me text about her having her "serious" look because she'd been in trouble for eating kitty's food I totally lost it.
When Parker asked what'd caused my hysterics I passed him the phone.
"This is why you're laughing?"
He raised his eyebrows.
I tried to explain away the story and he gave a weak chuckle.
I yelled at him for not being more amused.
To which he replied,
"I'm laughing...just not with my eyes."
(Modern Family quote)
No worries family...deep down he really loves her.
Our best qualities are very much the same if you think about it.
And he really likes me.
I LOVE hearing about my little Paws' bouts of dementia.
How she loves it when Dad gives her baths.
How she has a "pup tent" and her own little space heater.
And how tuna and milk seem to save her life every other week.
I really think she's working you guys.
But I'm grateful you're keeping her alive for me.
It wouldn't be Christmas without my little kitty.
We've had so many together...
I'm praying she holds out for one more!
(And I promise to keep Parker away...his cat-hater instincts might kill her spirit).
I LOVE our little snowman family.
And our real family too.
I'm so excited to see you all.
It'll be the best part of Christmas by far!
(I remember loving the fact that my snowman had the pink hat and Haley's had the black.)
I love how you talked about wanting to add "Parker" and "Ashlee" snow-people too.
And how you'll probably be on the hunt for snow-bodies tomorrow.
Personally, I think it's just fine how it is.
If you added on that way Haley's future husband would be a midget.
So maybe think of it like an old family photo...
just a little piece of our family frozen in time :)
(frozen...get it??? ah haha, i crack myself up.)
And last but not least, I LOVE that you let Dad put a few colored lights up
just because he loves them.
They're not as classy as our white lights, it's true.
But those colored little bushes have their own special sparkle.
And I think it's sweet.
It's so Dad.

***Thanks, Mom, for all these things that give me hope for a happy holiday.***

Now that I'm thoroughly through with studying for the night
(due to an overdose of Christmas cheer)
it's time to whip up some cocoa for my aching throat
(I feel a serious case of strep coming on and have no time for its only antidote...SLEEP...and no desire to pay the co-pay for the prescription that might make it go away),
snuggle up with my cuddle bug
(feeling oh so cozy in his my favorite sweats)
and wish the world away while listening to Parker's beloved Celine remind me why it's all going to be ok
(thanks again Amber).

"Christmas Eve will find me
where the love light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas;
if only in my dreams."

That dream's set to come in just 18 days.
Just 2 weeks and 4 days more.
I've counted,
marked all my calendars,
and had more holiday hot cocoas than this little body can handle,
all to tide me over 'til the 24th.

But it's not working.

so Santa, I have to ask...
why's it still feel so far away?

the girl who just can't wait for anything
especially Christmas and finals' end

To quote the Chipmunks...
"We can hardly stand the wait.
Please, Christmas, don't be late."


  1. Oh, I am so excited for you to spend your first married christmas together! You are making me miss my home so much! Have a fun time and good luck with those finals!

  2. Ah man Chels! I'm already bad enough off about focusing on finals and midterms and this makes me want Christmas to be here sooner! I'm excited for you to be able to go home! We'll miss you guys though!

  3. Can't wait for you and Parker to get here! The house looks like a Christmas shrine...we may have become the Clark Griswold Family, oh well! Haley likes the house brimming with holiday decorations and Christmas music playing 24/7.
    Take care of yourself so you're not sick for Christmas! Good luck with finals! Love you
    (17 days and counting...)