Sunday, September 26, 2010

stir crazy

Do you ever have those nights where you know there are a million things you could be doing...but nothing you want to tackle just yet? where the walls feel like they're closing in on you and you can't remember how fresh air feels in your lungs or what the sky looks like? where anywhere seems better than here?

Tonight is one of those nights. Parker has three big tests this week back. to. back. which means we've spent our weekend in instead of out.

I completely understand these weekends and I'm quite the advocate for my husband making stellar grades so he can be my dental-savvy-sugar-daddy successful and proud of the investment he's made in his education. I'm happy when he's happy, and I know rocking his O-Chem test will increase our happiness exponentially...

so I support the studying.

What I don't understand, however, is my inability to jump on the productivity bandwagon. I've spent this weekend avoiding progress at all costs. Granted, I'm grateful for what I did accomplishmaking binders for my new Mia Maid presidency, watching my little nephews David & Ethan suit up in full football gear and storm the field like they've been doing it for years, playing with little Tyler and hearing all about his fort and the hole he'd tried to dig to China (with the help of his dad's cute!), finding a pint-sized person outfit for our newest niece Ava (seeing Parker admire the little fleece baby outfit was precious...and I rarely use that word), deciding on names for all five of my future children, doing cardio for over an hour just because I could (a.k.a. had the time), nearly beating Parker at racquetball for the first time ever (a big day considering last time we played he suggested he start playing with his left hand), catching the RS broadcast on BYU-TV (one of the few channels we get...happy day!), hearing all about my sister's 16th birthday party and the mile-long line of boys looking to ask her on her first date, cooking my kitchen sink into a mountain of dishes, etc. etc. I did a bunch. But the part of me that drives the sane me crazy is the part that keeps wondering about what I didn't do...about what more I could have done. And you know what, that part of me is driving me crazy!

So I'm this just me? Am I the only person who constantly feels like there's more she can be doing with every millisecond of her time? Am I the only one who wonders when the day will come when I really can and will do it all? Or the only one who worries that day may never come? Life only gets busier as time goes on right? Next I'll be juggling a career (in reporting? dental hygiene? who knows really...), dental school applications, dental school, debt. Then it'll be kids—their school, their sports, their success, their happiness—and maybe teaching...all while trying to be the same social, spunky wife Parker picked to marry. And I'm not really sure where we go from there...a mission maybe, tons of travel, lots of love for grandkids, lots of laughter at our own expense (I think I'll be a crazy old lady), and lots of days trying to stay lucid so I can enjoy every minute of it.

Writing can have a cathartic effect...I've really taken that to heart today. Putting it all down on paper helped me realize that despite my lack of progress in planning my wedding show, studying Sikhism for my world religions course, or planning for an paper that's sure to make my life a nightmare in the next few weeks, I spent my weekend doing what I love to do because it's likely the only weekend this semester when I'll have the time to do it.

I'm grateful that life is busy and that it'll stay that way. It gives the little moments in life so much more makes them precious to me. Whether it's Parker coming over to tackle me during a needed study break then holding me in his arms as I rest my head on his chest, marveling at how much love my little heart can manage to feel for this one person...or admiring my little nephew holding his mom's hand and feeling my heart melt as his little hand slips into my own on our trek to the football fields...or hearing my little sister tell me all about her big day and realizing, despite my many doubts during all of our sibling squabbles growing up, that we are and always will be friends...or acknowledging the overwhelming sense of love and appreciation I have for a man I've never met as I listened to our prophet speak during the broadcast Saturday.

Yes I'm stir crazy today. Yes I'm crazy almost every other day. But tonight I'm happy. I am lucky. I am blessed. And I am so grateful to be who I am and where I am right. now.

P.S. a couple more cartoons that made me smile today...
i can"t even count how many times my mom said this to Molly...our chocolate lab who looks and acts like donkey from Shrek. oh how i love her!!!

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