Sunday, September 5, 2010

thinking on paper

I've noticed lately that I seem to be one of those people who's always wanting. Granted...this is not always a bad thing (unless it's involving ice cream), but I still feel like I could be better. "Thou shalt not covet Chelsey...." What is that, the tenth commandment? I think so. Oh boy...better ask for forgiveness little duck. This life is the time right?

Anyway, I'm not sure it's so much of a coveting issue as it is my genetic disposition for buyer's remorse (my brother has it too so I've decided to slate it as an inherited tendency instead of a personal character flaw). I always seem to look at things, obsess over the best option, make a decision, and then wonder if the other choice might have been better. i.e. True & False sections on tests = Chelsey's demise. Don't get me wrong, I am generally satisfied and do fine moving on, but there are moments where I entertain the idea of how things might of been. It's the nature of the buyer's remorse beast and I've yet to find a way to slay the darn thing...until now.

The other day I mentioned something to Parker about how my friend was taking notes on an iPad in class. Initially I had deemed the devices superfluous, showy, and unnecessary. If you have an iPod and a laptop, what need would you have for a piece of hardware that combines those two functions but is unsuitable for both the gym and school? It made no sense. But when I saw hers and how simple it made the note-taking process I all-of-a-sudden felt it would make a great little study buddy...if only we had the money and I could buy it without being burdened down by the guilt of, you guessed it, buyer's remorse.

Instead of acknowledging the fact that I still really did not need or want one, I used this silly premise to fuel a train of thought that never should have left the station. I started seeing this girl as the one who has it all. Everything just always seemed, to me, to fall into place for her. You all know a girl like this right??? Yes you do. I described all of her summer adventures to Parker--her world-traveling, five-star wedding, and cute little town house and, while doing so, started to "buyer's remorse" my way through my past.

I wondered if I'd done enough while I was single...if I'd seen enough, taken enough adventures with my friends, met enough people, accomplished enough of my goals. I wondered about our dating story--if I'd really taken advantage of our "dating days", really enjoyed that time when everything was so new and exciting, really appreciated how amazing it felt to fall in love. I wondered about our wedding--if I'd done it exactly as I'd hoped to, if I'd captured in picture each moment of that day the way I'd planned to, if I'd crammed too much into too small a window of time to really enjoy it. And, because I just finished my very last first week of school I wondered about that too--did I take advantage of my time at BYU? did I apply myself and make the most out of each and every one of my classes? could I have been more involved, applied for more internships, gone on more study abroads? I just don't know...

So while I sat there and mused over whether or not my life measured up...if I'd "bought in" to the life I'd really expected, hoped for, sought after, and then decided I couldn't have...Parker said something that caught my attention.

"Do you ever wonder if you're that girl Chels? Do you ever think that people who look at you might be thinking that you have it all? That your life seems to be the one that always falls into place?"

I hadn't. Not for failing to recognize how much I have...I spend each day trying to express to someone (usually Parker) how grateful I am for it all. No, I hadn't thought about it this way because as blessed and lucky as I am, somewhere along the line I had made the decision to see myself and my life through the eyes of someone who always sees a glass brimming over, but, instead of celebrating the success, decides to then try to fill a pitcher, and thus always comes away feeling like that full glass still isn't enough.

I've always been so critical of myself and my decisions and had this feeling that I could do more that I've never really taken the time to relish in any of my successes or enjoy that feeling of satisfaction that comes from accomplishing even one thing you've set your mind to. But I think it's about time I changed that.

It's my last semester at BYU. I'm loved and so in love with the most wonderful man I know. And I have a vision for my future that I really feel will help me always remember my full glass and let me leave this earth fully satisfied with and even proud of what I've accomplished.

I don't see myself as that girl. I don't think anyone who knows me thinks I am either. And who really cares. I am a girl who has more than she ever could have asked for. And that's really all I need to remember to be happy...

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